May 29, 2016. 5:30am.
A date that will forever be imbedded in my memory. A morning I will never forget. I woke up with cramping, and knowing I was 8+ weeks pregnant, I told myself not too worry, its just my uterus stretching. I went to the bathroom a few minutes later and I saw it. Spotting. “Its normal Vero, some women bleed all throughout their pregnancies.” But something still didn’t feel right, so I went back to our bedroom, woke up Alex, got dressed, woke up a sleepy Abbie and went to the hospital. “Its nothing bad, I kept telling myself. I’m probably just freaking out about nothing.” A couple blood collections and an ultrasound later, the doctor came in. “The baby measures at 6 weeks and there’s no heart beat. Do you think maybe you miscalculated your due date?” Impossible, we planned it out. Words couldn’t come out of my mouth, so I just shook my head. “Unfortunately, it looks like you’re having a miscarriage, then.” Not again.
We got discharged, went home, and I prayed. My heart, I prayed longer, harder, and stronger than ever in my life. I cried out to God, I pleaded, I begged for Him to give life to my little peanut. The next three days were tough but I was hopeful. Nothing was really happening until 2 hours before I was supposed to go second shoot a wedding with a fellow photographer. The pain. Like nothing I’ve ever imagined. I couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand, walk, lay down. My sister came and picked me up, took me to the ER and then it happened. That was it. It was gone, I was no longer pregnant, and no baby in my arms. An empty womb and a broken heart.
Miscarriage. Its such a horrible word. And like a sweet photographer “friend” ( I like to call all the photographers I look up to and follow friends), Jenna Kutcher said, the definition to miscarry means that you did something wrong, and I agree with her, that that’s not true. It’s NOT your fault or your body’s fault. It’s not because you ran an extra mile, its not because you picked up your crying 3 year old, its not because you had Coca Cola. Its heartbreaking, but its not your fault.
The reason I’m writing this a year later is because a year ago my heart broke in pieces, I couldn’t document and show the world how I felt. It was too raw. I doubted a lot of things, I blamed myself, my body. But never God, and He was there, showing me love in ways I could never imagined. One thing that I did do within the week of the passing of our babe was that I wrote down a list. A list of how God loved me that week.
This was what I documented a year ago this week. Its raw, its real.
“I understand this is a wedding photography blog. Trust me, I know, and I debated so long if I should say anything about the matter that’s taking over my marriage, family, and faith.
Where’s the unfading beauty in a miscarriage? Is there even beauty in miscarriage, in loss?
Honestly, I don’t believe so. But you know what I do know? These past 24 hours have been horrible for me. I was and still am confused, scared, and a total mess. But there isn’t one second when I don’t feel God’s presence. You see, He doesn’t delight in seeing us in pain. He’s such a loving Heavenly Father that I know he’s right here crying with me. He’s mourning with me. He’s holding me, hugging me, and comforting me. And then when I thought I was at my lowest, a sweet friend encouraged me,” He’s babysitting them and holding their hands until the day we join them in heaven. Who’s a better babysitter than Jesus?”
You see, with every part of my being, I believed that He could’ve healed my baby. Nothing in me denied that. But I also believed in God’s plan is better. While his plan isn’t for us to be heartbroken, He also has a plan for my baby’s life.
While I know He doesn’t delight in miscarriages, or seeing us heartbroken, I saw Jesus in everything.
It was a hard period in our life, but we chose to focus on Christ and to let ourselves be surrounded in love above all else. The biggest way I saw God’s love? Our sweet newborn lying next to me. Every time I look into her sweet face, I think of God’s overwhelming love for our family, and I let myself be enveloped in it.
Losing a baby is the biggest heartbreak you could ever experience; It sucks, it hurts. It feels like your whole world is crashing all around you. Its easy to give in to the depression, to the darkness, but don’t. Choose to look at the light. Look at Jesus, and see the way He pours His love on you through others.